Done! (Or, why Marvin Gaye was the perfect music for my last spa date)

And so it was.

Mammogram. Breast ultrasound. Wait.

Breast MRI. Wait.

Biopsy. Wait.

Panic. No more waiting. Bone scan-heart scan-chest x-ray-abdominal ultrasound-Transvaginal ultrasound (as fun as it sounds). Bilateral mastectomy-removal-of-17-lymph-nodes-partial-reconstruction. Heal. Plan chemo. PICC line insertion. Chest x-ray. 8 infusions of push-me-to-my-limit toxic chemicals over 16 weeks. Plan radiation. Walkwalkwalkwalk. 6 weeks and 28 radiation treatments.

#28 was today.

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There is a crispy square on my shoulder, hard to see in the above photo but one of the lesser-affected areas of treatment.

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The hardest-hit is under the arm, thus the frequent  ‘Cleopatra’ pose, giving it some air. This too shall pass.

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(Today, laughing with a good friend who assured me that ‘of course it looks weird’ when I inquired.)

Never again will I hear ‘Chin distance….17.7? Good. Vertical shift….5.5?  Okay. Horizontal shift…..8.7 left?  Yep. Sup tattoo…9.9?  Good.

Never, I pray to the gods, will I hear the whining and whirring and clanging of that radiation machine.

As scary the end of treatment is, I am so looking forward to this next phase, wherein I heal and let my body forget all of which it is all too conscious right now.

I am starting to recognize the person I see when I look in the mirror. I am getting used to comments such as ‘Hey! Your hair is getting…taller?’.

A few days ago there was a video circulated around of a woman facing a double mastectomy who chose to spend the ten minutes prior to her surgery having a dance party in the operating room with the operating staff. It has left me with dancing on my mind since. When I dance I can shake just about any worry off. Dancing connects us with our bodies in a primal way, communicates sorrow, joy, sex, longing, humour, rage, all of it, if we let it. In my mind there is no such thing as a bad dancer.

Today while waiting for my final treatment to begin, a friend who came down to provide support along with my mother informed me that there was a dancehall for sale close to the city, something I found fascinating and totally appealing. I went into treatment with dreams of opening a fabulous restaurant in the woods where people would come to eat good food, drink good wine and dance and sauna. Those who know me know I love to dance.

I actually laughed out loud when the girls in the radiation department cranked the music up for me, as they do at my request, and the song filling the room for my last treatment was none other than Sexual Healing, which is always a great go-to dance tune. And so, with a grin on my face, I closed my eyes and imagined myself lifting out of my body for that last punishing treatment and dancing around that room with wild, albeit somewhat-crispy, abandon.

I am done. 8 months later, this part of the journey is complete.

Bring on the healing.

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11 thoughts on “Done! (Or, why Marvin Gaye was the perfect music for my last spa date)

  1. Very proud of you, your spirit, the strength and resilience of your family and most of all your boys. Congratulations on traveling through this journey in your life with your head held high. Thinking of you with the utmost admiration!!
    Carrie Cook-Thorsen

  2. The perfect soundtrack to end the journey! You would be the best owner of a restaurant/dance hall/bed & breakfast EVER!!! I’d even think about busting a few moves on that dance floor. Thoughts are with you as you find yourself. Better. Stronger. YOU!!!!

  3. Hi Tanya! My name, too is Tanya and am a friend of Kat Bromley, I noticed your blog today and am totally inspired! I have just started the same journey you have been through, and know that I too, will need to muster the strength, courage and grace to dance and heal through this process. Thank you for the courage to share! Continue to dance like no one is watching and ENJOY!!!

  4. Hi Tanya, I m a friend of Cheri’s and have been reading your blog since she shared the first one. I have shared it with friends and family as they have faced their own -new struggles and all have been better for it. You are a truly amazing person and gifted writer and I thank you for providing the insight and understanding that you have. Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I wish you only the best.

  5. weeping and mostly wordless… (Even though I may mostly stand quietly by, my heart and thoughts are with you.) I am so very glad for you… ❤

  6. Thanks for sharing your journey. It was insightful, thoughtful, and inspiring. May your journey of healing be filled with only the best things..you certainly deserve it.

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